Fucking about in Ferelden

The Dalish Curse - Part 1
New Years Fun!

01 Wintermarch 28th Year of the Dragon Age

At the circle tower, night fades into day and so began the festivities of First Day! Boreas decided to fill himself with the plentiful buffet. Unfortunately for the catering staff, Boreas was able to consume a platter of food faster than they could replace it. They resorted to bringing the platters directly to him, for first dibs.

Mah’jeek sulked about the place, as he did not particularly care for the festivities. In spite of this, he purchased two pairs of hand made scarfs and socks – orange for Boreas and purple for Elodie. Mah’jeek then commissioned the skills of an elven worker in the tower to create an eyepatch with gilded embroidery for Yeran. The patch was decorated with a tree and two presents remarkably in the shape of a large cock and balls.

Elodie entertained the mages by showing off her skills and playing some music. She had a lot of requests and improvised a lot when she didn’t know the song.

Yeran, made the most of the Circle footing the bill and decided to help himself to the most expensive wine he could find. The tranquil were very helpful in helping him find his poison. He drank lots and lots of wine. Nobody was quite certain what happened to him between the 3rd bottle and the morning.

Meanwhile, Grigor, Mah’jeek and Elodie had a drinking contest. Many pints were downed, shots and spirits followed, causing Mah’jeeks reddish skin to fade. He locked eyes with Elodie, and they both fell backwards off their chairs and were carried off to a roaring applause to sleep off the booze in the dorm room. Unsurprisingly, Grigor washed his wine down with more alcohol…

Boreas then removed his armour to eat more chicken and pies without constriction…

The following morning everyone had a raging hangover, as typically expected at this point. Everyone except Boreas however, who had a different discomfort to face. Wishing that he was as inebriated as his friends, Boreas had a mighty and profound shit. Thankfully afterwards he was able to fit back into his armour, but the aging plumbing of the tower was blocked and the smell pervaded everywhere.

The party opted to leave the Circle swiftly after breakfast. Before they left, Wynne summoned Yeran to her office. She gave him a book on spirit healing, a sexy pink healing sash and a few potions to keep him and his friends safe on their travels. She told him that if Grigor was to invite Yeran to join his organisation then he should accept the offer in order to keep himself safe, whilst giving the phallic eyepatch a disapproving look. She also handed him some fine special reserve wine, which Yeran cared about more than the rest of the gift package.

As the party departed from the tower, Yeran lead everyone on their way to Briarham. The party planed a route that would take them 4 weeks and 5 days if they manage to avoid obligatory side quests.

During the journey, Mah’jeek attempted to cast a new spell, dream sending. However, this backfired very badly and instead sent him into having a terrible nightmare where he became an abomination over and over again. A nightmare that haunted him every following night on the journey. Mah’jeek kept to himself, more than usual, for the rest of the journey.

Later in their journey the party stumbled on a farmhand, dead in the road with crows encircling his fresh corpse ravenously. (Ed: Is that the ominous sound of a side quest I hear?) As everyone headed towards the farmhouse to have a look, they all failed to notice the five blight wolves preparing to ambush them. Surprise!

The battle ensued quickly, the party maneuvered themselves quickly into a position where most of the wolves were attacking Boreas except one which had a profound desire for the taste of Mah’jeeks flesh.

The wolves worked as a pack, and repeatedly attacked Boreas in a tactical and packlike way. Boreas feared not as he had healing support from both mages, and swung his mighty two handed sword at the wolves.

Mah’jeek unleashed a monster walking bomb on one of the wolves, who then proceeded to shakes it off immediately.

Yerans sexy pink sash glowed as he channeled a boosted heal on Boreas, whilst managing to spend more focus on the look of the spell than the actual effect.

Mah’jeek tactfully used his knowledge of Spirit Magic to sense Boreas’ mood, which was “dying”. Boreas gave him a disapproving look for wasting time.

Both mages pulled off multiple spell casts healing Boreas and keeping him up as he cleaved a wolf down. Before picking it up and throwing it “in the nearest direction”.

Meanwhile Elodie was plink plink plinking away to little success, so she decided to switch to her short sword and be a shady bastard and backstab some wolves. She pulled this off repeatedly with grace and mastery that even the late Brannek would have been jealous of.

Yeran melted the brain of a wolf through its ear somehow…

Elodie weakened the wolves with deadly backstabbing while Boreas sliced another one open and threw the corpse at Mah’jeek. The remaining wolves ran off. Mah’jeek responded by mildly inconveniencing Boreas with a tasty mindblast.

Following the battle, Boreas identified that the corpses were not killed by the blight wolves. Everyone moved together into the main farmhouse. It was filled with blood, corpses and some strange writing which no-one was able to read. They searched the rest of the farm and found nothing much aside from bloodshed, until they stumbled upon a maimed Dalish Elf. With some quick and effective healing, the party patched her up enough to be stable for a trip to the nearest village.

They traveled into the village of Vintiver carrying the elf, and meet the local Inn owner, Kesla Mullin whom after some questioning invites the party into the inn and sent one of her children to summon Sister Arda from the local chantry.

The party shared the story of the farm, and then shared it again. And again… fortunately between rabble and drinks, the Sister informs the party that the elf will recover in time.

Shortly after this news, a steadily growing noise drowns out the chatter in the inn.

The party exited the Inn to investigate the commotion outside, and were greeted with a sizable mob of 30 odd villagers, lead by a burly angry bloke.

The innkeeper came out with the party to witness the mob heading towards them. The mob blamed the Dalish Elf for the deaths at the farm and want to enact ‘justice’ on her.

Elodie with quick thinking managed to convince the Sister to move the elf to the Chantry by taking the back door and sneaking through the back alleys.

The mob did not want to listen to the party and it looked like tensions were building to critical mass. Boreas gave a heroic speech to the mob, which unfortunately fell on deaf ears. Eventually however, the mob saw enough reasoning to back down and disbanded. The party decided that clearly some of them were a little mad with some of the claims that were being made!

The red faced leader, turning out to be the blacksmith, spat at the party’s feet and reluctantly left. Success (?)

Everyone retired to the inn for some well earned food and drink. When the local lawman entered the tavern, spotting the outsiders he joined the party at their table.

He knew that the party were involved with all the troubles to some degree, and through a tense and testosterone fueled conversation he eventually agreed to investigate the farm himself and did not hold the party responsible for the deaths, and the commotion…yet.

Just before they headed to their beds the group were summoned to the Chantry, where they met the finally conscious and much healthier looking Dalish elf, Eshara. Eshara explained her story.

She and her fellow Dalish came to the village initially for the First Day celebrations. Initially nothing was wrong, but eventually there was a drunken fight due to the elf/human tension between the two groups. Harsh words were exchanged and a Dalish elf attacked the mob leading blacksmith.

The Dalish band left, the following morning, with the elf who had been involved in the confrontation, Harralan, sent ahead to scout. However Harralan never returned. They sent out others to look for him but none of them came back either, as well as the rescue parties following them. Just before the remnants of the caravan could turn back their camp was attacked by a load of monsters lead by an abomination calling itself Elgar’len, or the child of vengeance in the common tongue.

Eshara managed to escape her captors and fled taking refuge at the farm, where she hid with her wounds. She hid as the monsters ravaged the farm.

Eshara begged the party to go and search for her kin.

The party, ever keen to deviate from the main story arc, accepted the quest and were given directions to the original Dalish campsite to start their search.

Mah’jeek took a runic silver link from Eshara, which she had managed to steal away from Elgar’len.

The party returned to the inn and rested up for their long journey the following day.

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Walking in Circles - Part Two
Magic Roundabout!

27 Haring 27th Year of the Dragon Age

Shadows cast by the fire licked the walls. Dark tentacles that seemed to Boreas to envelop and grope at the companions, as embers danced through the air about the hearth with a grace that belay their creator’s insidiousness; this fire demanded flesh.

The party were momentarily hypnotised by the fire’s seduction, buying more than enough time for the Shades to guard up before committing their dirty deed. Elodie was struck by the weakness cast, but the Shade targeting Boreas fumbled, possibly intimidated by the over-powered-as-fuck warrior. Elodie drew her bow in response, pulling off a stunt in spite of the spell that ailed her. But the arrow whistled past the Abomination’s head and ricocheted off the wall.

The room appeared to darken around the Shits, as the Abomination slowly turned its head towards Mah’jeek venting a foul hiss at him. A sound that seemed to bend, twist and elongate. It took form around the Apostate, and became incandescent – snapping into life and scorching Mah’jeek before burning itself out. In his soul, the mage would long feel the malice with which those flames bit.

The Abomination then stretched out its arms, trembling and jerking its head to a sound of crackling cartilage and bone. The creature’s wrists split open to that sound, and snapped back violently. Blood sprayed out, anointing the group from this most evil font. Out of the gaping wounds bloody sinew and fetid grey soft tissues oozed. From the bones that protruded – like the remnants of trees snapped in two during a storm – dark red tentacles grew. Yeran’s nausea is overcome only by the sudden pain associated with taking a direct hit from a lightning bolt.

“Blood magic?!…” Mah’jeek grunted, as the bolt jumped from Yeran, to Elodie and on to Boreas.

Being first affected, Yeran was the first to recover from the shock. Spurred by the electrical charge echoing through him, Yeran pulled a fast cast out the bag – which was really fucking lucky, as he royally screwed up the first self-heal.

The group dispersed themselves, taking care to reduce the risk of taking further damage en masse.

Boreas owned it like a ‘roid raging gorilla and spanked the Abomination as if it were a naughty Circle child who needed to be taught a lesson. While this ensued, Mah’jeek cast a Walking Bomb on the Shade in the corner closest to him, Elodie and Yeran. It stuck, and both Shades continued to guard up.

The Shade opposite Boreas cast Weakness on the warrior, whose nostrils flared in rage at this insult. The bombed Shade mimiced its counterpart, casting on Elodie. But she was unaffected, and released a second arrow.

True to form, she missed.

The Abomination turned to face it only real threat – Boreas. It released another hiss and Boreas was wreathed in flames. It then let loose a bolt of lightning, intended for a singular target. Boreas staggered back dodging out of the way. His nostrils quivered so fucking hard.

Yeran let loose an Arcane Lance on the Abomination but missed. Boreas’ response to the Abomination’s lightning bolt consisted of a rage induced Mighty Blow, combined with a Lightning attack. Mah’jeek, feeling a need to make up for the last time he encountered their kind focused, only on the Shades, and cast Walking Bomb on the second. Both failed to resist the spell and were further damaged. One Shade guards yet again and attempted to cast Weakness on Elodie, but the spell failed. The other Shade changed the record and attempted to cast Drain Mah’jeek, but as the mage’s will is strong , he resisted the Shade’s attempt.

It turned out, third time was the charm, and Elodie’s attack struck true, forcing the Abomination to fall into the fire. The flames burning high and intensely hot as screeching damnation echoed throughout the chamber. The foul Abomination was no more.

Yeran prepares a healing spell, while Boreas’ blade sliced through a Shade, causing its form to whisp a little, before reforming. Mah’jeek decided enough is enough, and fast cast two Arcane Bolts, killing the Shade instantly.

The remaining Shade failed to resist the lingering spell, and as it exploded Boreas is rocked by it’s ethereal form. At that moment the Abomination’s carcass exploded, spending forth a wave of fire that broke on the group.

The battle done with Mah’jeek picked up the book they had been studying prior to the Abomination’s appearance. The group took a moment to catch their breath and then continued on through the Restricted Section. On exiting the room the party closed ranks, proceeding slowly and carefully through the corridors. Each of them looked around, but in the pressing darkness they perceived nothing of the dangers ahead.

Elodie stumbled into a trap, and while nimble and quick, she took some damage. Boreas did the same, but was less graceful in his escape. This clumsiness resulted in flames lapping across and beneath his armor, forcing a low growl to emanate from deep in his chest.

Elodie scurried around, disabling both the triggered traps before the group continued to inchworm their way through the basement. Along the way, Elodie continued to engage in her obsession with barrels. Then suddenly, they heard an all too familiar “click”, as Boreas triggered another trap. This time there were no flames, but darts. A flurry of clinking sounds disturbed the otherwise still air.

One of the darts found its way through a gap in the warrior’s armor, and struck him directly. Boreas looked down at his wound, examining it for a moment, before placing two fingers on either side of the torn flesh, and tearing the dart from his body with the other hand.

After a bit of dying, and a bit of healing, the Shits’ become aware that they are flanked by some very real looking spider statues, set atop plinths. Boreas – being the group’s resident juicer – swung at one of the statues. His blade carried through the air with the grace of a novice swordsman. To nobody’s great surprise, his sword stopped dead on making contact with the spider. Oddly, it did not bounce away.

Yeran tosses a heal spell at Elodie, who proceeded to set off another trap, much to the Circle Mage’s frustration. For some inexplicable reason the Rogue then decided to pick up a barrel, and put it back down again. The party stared at Elodie in silence, each wearing a quizzical look.

After a little more fumbling down the passage, a very live and mobile spider appears. Elodie quickly slipped into the shadows, disappearing momentarily before reappearing – outside of the spider’s periphery – and unleashing a backstab on the arachnid. It bled heavily from the wound she left.

Mid way through this attack Elodie noticed the four other spiders – all once as still as stone – now moving. Mah’jeek became aware also, dropping his torch, and then shooting an Arcane Lance at one of them. At that moment silver looking threads shot through the air. Yeran took a load to his face and was immobilised.

So began the Battle of the Silver Fish.

With uncharacteristic grace, Boreas evaded the pearly gloop that squirted from the darkness, but in so doing relinquished the opportunity to anticipate one of the visible spider’s attacks. It bit Boreas, injecting him with potent venom.

As Elodie maneuvered and drew her bow, Mah’jeek freed Yeran from his sticky prison. Boreas charged the orange looking arthropod, Mighty Blowing the shit out of it. Another shot of web flew towards Yeran but this time he dodges the spider’s silky spray, however Elodie and Boreas both fell victim to the stinking ejaculate.

Yeran walked up behind Elodie – who was still immobilised – smelled her hair a little (Ed: totally not a stalker), before freeing her from the web. Elodie threw Yeran a contemptuous look, then used that rage to fire at the spider that opened this battle. But in her ire, she missed. Mah’jeek then sent an Arcane Lance at the very same creature while Boreas freed himself.

Fate mocked the party, with both Boreas and Mah’jeek being attacked and becoming immobilised immediately after their small victories. Yeran attempted to free Boreas with his small effeminate hands, but to nobody’s surprise, he was unsuccessful. Yeran put those slender digits to good use by picking his nose. Elodie shot an arrow at one of the arachnids, killing it. Then ensued a war of attrition; entrapment, freedom, attack, counter. Eventually the spiders were defeated. But the victory was staggeringly short lived, as a huge explosion teared through the corridor with Elodie and Mah’jeek bearing the brunt of it, while Boreas and Yeran escaped harm. Boreas began to walk away and Yeran hid behind Boreas, his favorite meat shield, following him closely.

Using their better judgement, the group came together and progressed. Until yet another spider was revealed to them. However this time, the ratio is 4:1, and the eight legged creature was soon destroyed.

Much to the party’s confusion, when they doubled back they came upon a dead end. After discussing briefly what to do, they head back to where the barrels exploded. Only to find the wall that had originally been there had now disappeared. With haste they exited the basement, and were glad to be able to breathe untainted air.

They bumped into Jorvac almost immediately. He inquired as to where the party had been. After they had told him they had been through the restricted section the old mage frowned, and demanded to know where they had acquired the key to such a highly restricted part of the tower, not to mention why we needed to venture to such a place.. He was told the story of how Jorvac himself handed over the key, that the group might accomplish their task. Which jogged his memory a little, he was extremely apologetic for not mentioning the traps but was deeply concerned to hear of the Abomination and pleaded that the party not tell anyone about it as it would surely bring the Templars wrath upon the mages in the Circle.

The party rested up, except for Mah’jeek who acted shady as fuck and started scribbling from the text recovered. Yeran kept staring back at Mah’jeek suspiciously. His assumption that the Qunari understood anything about what he was copying both baffled and impressed Yeran.

Yeran decided to leave him to it as it had been a strange day. He then went to talk to his mentor, Wynne.

Meanwhile Elodie and Boreas had a stimulating chat with the Tranquil.

Yeran pestered Wynne for some lyrium potions but she told the young mage that ‘she’ll see what she can do’ with the subtext that Yeran read as ‘learn to make do, noob!’

After a few day Grigor arrived and the party were summoned to brief him, Irving and Greagoir on their findings. Before they were allowed in to the meeting they spied Wynne and Grigor discussing something. After Grigor had inquired as to the whereabouts of Brannek and been introduced to Elodie, Yeran was asked to tell the panel of the Shits findings.

They discussed the book they found, a journal of a Tevinter accolyte. It described a group of blood mages by the names of Davrik, Gianna, and led by Falinesti. They had sought to build an army of Darkspawn Abominations and use it to build a new world order however their plans were leaked and they were all killed before they could assemble an army. All records of them were expunged. The dating on the journal indicated that these events happened before the fall of the Tevinter Imperium. It was surmised by Irving that this new group must have been able to find enough information about the original research to attempt it again and had taken up the mantles of the original Tevinter mages.

After telling the story, the party was excused while Grigor, Irving and Greagoir could discuss an action plan. They waited outside for the next hour, while a raucous argument could be heard (but not deciphered) by the group.

Finally the Shits were summoned.

Grigor informed the party that he believed he had found the possible location of Gianna prior to arriving at the Circle – a small village called Dandervale. He instructed the party to meet him in Briarham in 6 weeks so that they could then travel on to Dandervale together…

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Walking in Circles - Part One
Finally at the Circle Tower!

21 Haring 27th Year of the Dragon Age

The Shits arrived at the Lake Callenhad docks, a small village with docks to the Circle Tower on the very day they’re supposed to meet Grigor with findings from the Tower so it seemed they were a tad fucked. Mah’jeek bought some fresh breeches while Yeran did his best to sort out a good eyepatch to cover his brand scar.

Upon arriving at the Tower, after crossing the lake, the Shits were greeted by Knight-Commander Greagoir, who after inspecting the documents presented by Mah’jeek. Interviewed the party and asked some probing questions about what happened to Yeran’s eye, he then sent the group on their way to the First Enchanter to give him Grigor’s scroll. The First Enchanter informed the group that Grigor had recently sent a communication informing Irving that he had been delayed by about ten days, which had not made much sense at the time. The group, greatly relieved that they had been spared Grigor’s fury, for now, started their research in the library to try and find records for the Blood mages Davrik and Gianna and anything that might point to who their master is.

After a day of research, Wynne, grabbed Yeran and kindly interrogated him about his eye. Thankfully she didn’t think it was in Yeran’s interests to tell anyone else about the brand just yet so the Shits weren’t totally screwed. Meanwhile, Elodie had a mooch around rather than aiding in the (boring) research and met some of the Tranquil – former mages who had had their connection to the fade severed and no longer felt emotion. Out of curiosity she went back to the library to try and find out more about them, thinking there may be a song in the topic if there was a Tranquil who fell in love, or some other inspiration. After 6 more days of going through records, the Shits came up empty and the old librarian, Jorvac, suggested that they try the restricted section in the basement. The group headed down and encountered a variety of nasty traps on their way to the where books on blood mages might be kept. Along the way they were struck by poison darts, exploding barrels, old magical books that were so eager to be read that they created tentacles to force Yeran to look like he was interested when he was actually slowly dying, massive fire pressure plates, tripwires rigged to huge claws that Boreas struggled to get past and other tripwires rigged to release swarms of giant rats who nearly overwhelmed the group with their coordinated attacks. The party through much care and precision found each of these traps by discovered their purpose by bumbling into them one after the other because they’re fucking noobs. The group found a locked room full of magical artifacts but when Elodie’s went to pick the lock her pick melted and shots into her, she decided to forget about the artifacts since they were probably cursed anyway since they’re locked away. Then she went ahead of the group a bit as the others decided to have a sit down in room with a comfy chair, an unused fireplace and wall to wall bookcases. Without a torch, Elodie felt her foot snag on a tripwire and with extreme good luck managed to avoid actually triggering it, thus avoiding another group of giant rats which could have been the end of the Shits. Then everyone started going through the bookcases and they eventually found an ancient book describing a group of blood mages with the names Davrik, Gianna and Falinesti. Before they were able to delve any further the fire roared into life, the shadows grew and 2 Shades pervaded from the shadows while an Abomination rose from the floor in front of the fire. The party realised this library may be their tomb…

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An Unexpected Journey - Part 6
Escaping the compound in one piece, mostly

01 Haring 27th Year of the Dragon Age

Boreas could tell that the tide of battle was turning against the party and quickly wracked his brain to come up with a way to save himself and his friends. He formulated a plan and tried to get Sasha’s attention, whilst also clashing swords with her. He exclaimed that he had a proposition for her, but she wouldn’t listen and dealt a devastating blow to the Avvar. She gripped him by the collar and put her sword to his throat. She then bellowed to everyone in the room, demanding that The Shits stand down and surrender. Our heroes complied with her demands, fearing for Boreas’ life. They were then taken to individual cells in the dungeon, though Sasha ordered the guards to leave Yeran with her, where she bound him in a certain… uncomfortable position.

Sasha then walked over to the roaring fire while Yeran tried his best to sweet talk her into not doing anything too rash through his gag. Sasha was deaf to his pleas and told Yeran that she would get the information she was after about the Mage’s Collective, however she needed to ensure that was fully understood by the party and that Yeran would assist her in that effort. At which point she pulled a red-hot brand from the fire. Yeran’s eyes widened in sheer terror, but the wuss passed out before she did anything. Sasha calmly pressed the brand onto the elf’s left eye and ordered the guard to take him to a cell.

In the dungeon, The Shits rested. After such an agonising battle, they could do little else. As they did so, the mages regained some of their mana, but Yeran still lay unconscious. Boreas proceeded to ask Mah’Jeek about the Circle Tower, only to find (with much difficulty, because Mah’Jeek was explaining) that it was not operated by mages at all, rather it was a prison of sorts that was run by the Templars, which meant that Boreas’ plan of asking Sasha to become spies for her in exchange for their lives was useless. He then sat in the corner in self pity.

Yeran woke to pain, confusion and half blindness. The group asked if they could see his eye, and upon showing it, they were disgusted. The left side of his face had become a melted mixture of blood and pus. Despite it all though, he still retained his positivity and suggested that they should begin to devise a plan to escape the Templar compound.

All was not lost, however. Elodie suddenly found that she had somehow been able to keep the prison key that she had taken from the lustful guard before their fight with Sasha. She unlocked her cell and went over to the main door to peek through the keyhole, keeping a watchful eye for any guards while the group formulated a plan.

Not long after though, she saw a guard and raced back to her cell, closing the door behind her, just as a Templar waltzed in, holding a plate of food and mugs of water. The “food” turned out to be mouldy bread, but our heroes still held hope for the water. However, that hope was soon splashed in their faces as the guard threw the mugs at them, spilling the water all over the floor. The guard then left the room, laughing hysterically, leaving The Shits to continue making their plan.

They waited several hours before making a move, allowing the mages to regain more of their mana, but also to wait for the guards to go to bed. With the hallway on the other side of the door silent and devoid of people, Elodie unlocked the others’ cell doors and they all exited the dungeon and went to the storeroom to reclaim their gear, for the second time. With his staff back, Yeran healed Boreas, who had taken a significant beating in their fight with Sasha. They then crept through the hallway into the next room with the main entrance to the compound.

They decided to investigate the suspicious door across the room that they had been too busy dealing with Templar scouts to look at before. Elodie went down the spiral staircase first and found that all that was down there was various torture devices, obviously belonging to Sasha, likely to satisfy some kind of fetish, which the group concluded with the thought of her writing erotica during their fight before still planted in their minds. With nothing of value to take from the room, they all headed back upstairs.

Upon returning to the previous room, our heroes noticed that the main entrance had large pieces of wood next to it, for the purpose of barricading the door in the event of a siege. Elodie once again peeked through the large keyhole, but only saw one scout, one guard and darkness. The Shits agreed that it was highly likely that there would be more guards outside and so made the decision not to go out there. Instead, they decided to use a couple of the wooden planks to barricade the room leading to the dormitories and the dungeon, thus slowing down any guards that woke up. The group blocked the door quietly as to not make any noise and then headed over towards Sasha’s office once again.

Yeran cast a precautionary Heroic Offense on Boreas before kicking him through the door. The spell was in vain however, as no one was in there. The Shits searched the room, particularly Sasha’s desk and found various documents relating to the Templar Order, as well as some incriminating papers with all their names on, including Sigge’s. Mah’Jeek also found three gold pieces. Lucky him. There was no time to read through the documents though, so they simply gathered them all up to read later. They then surrounded a door at the back of the room and kicked it down, only to find Sasha, sword drawn, dressed in her under armour and ready to fight.

Sasha managed to push our heroes back into the office, but after that, she tried to get to the other door to alert the guards. Without her lackeys however, she was outnumbered and without her full armour, she was vulnerable, and so The Shits bested her relatively easily. Elodie dealt the final blow, though she opted to simply knock her out rather than kill her, believing she may prove useful, maybe even rewarding if she was brought to Zeke. Boreas therefore hoisted her up over his shoulder, while also replacing his two-handed sword with her slightly fancier two-handed sword.

Our heroes headed back into Sasha’s quarters and searched it. To their disappointment, there was no erotica, but Yeran did find some enchanted mail armour in the wardrobe. As he took it though, he felt a gentle and cool breeze coming from the back of the wardrobe. Upon further investigation, our heroes found that it was a fake panel which when removed, revealed a secret passageway. Sasha stirred, but Boreas knocked her out once more and likely gave her a concussion. There was the sound of banging coming from the door and the party made a quick escape with Mah’Jeek pulling out his Glowstone. The secret corridor, led on and on eventually reaching an exit, leading out into a forest. The refreshment of the fresh air didn’t last long however, as they soon heard cries of alarm coming from inside. They therefore decided to simply make a run for it.

Mah’Jeek took off running with the light, leaving the others to fumble in the dark, taking damage as they did so. They all regrouped at the edge of a lake and spotted two rowing boats. Each boat was only big enough to carry two people each and with the Templars closing in on their position, they decided to get rid of the excess weight and killed Sasha. They then got into the boats and rowed across the lake to the other side, where they heard a continuous and ominous rumbling. Sensing possible danger, our heroes ran further into the forest and up a hill. There, they found a concealed grove where they set up camp for the night to rest.

The next morning, the group opted Yeran to be their navigator as he was the only one who had actually been to the Circle Tower. However, that didn’t help much as his rubbish sense of direction cost them a week of wandering in circles in the forest until they eventually found a road that Yeran recognised.

On their travels, Yeran’s eye only got worse and as they traipsed along the road. He had to frequently stop to tend to it and called upon Elodie to help. She managed to clean the majority of the oozing pus that trickled down his face, but stopped when the actual marking that the brand had left was revealed. Yeran had been branded with the symbol of the Templar Order. This would likely be a hindrance in the future…

Boreas spotted some merchants approaching them in the distance. To hide his brand, Yeran quickly made a makeshift eyepatch with some fabric ripped from his circle robes. However, the patch kept falling off his face and so he had to resort to covering his eye with his hand when the merchants arrived. Luckily, one of the merchants specialised in cloth and clothing and so Yeran asked her to make an eyepatch for him, which she was very happy to do for a small price of ten copper.

After thanking the merchants, and after Elodie finished dressing Yeran’s wound, The Shits returned to their journey and finally reached the Circle Tower…. On the day that was their deadline for Grigor’s mission…

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An Unexpected Journey - Part 5
I'd like the pain please, with a side of agony and a desert of death

28 Firstfall 27th Year of the Dragon Age

The party wake up from their slumber. Elodie was the first to wake, followed by Mah’jeek, who decided it was best to grunt and ignore his new companion than share any pleasantries. Elodie was shaken up from the night, suffering from nightmares. She regularly had nightmares about her time as a slave and being recaptured. She caught sight of her Masters henchmen as they observed the camp but they were gone before she was able to take any action against them.

Eventually the rest of the party awoke. Yeran rolled out of his tent looking and smelling like shit due to his raging hangover from having to settle for going down on a bottle of wine instead of Elodie. Boreas and Mah’jeek are the first to finish packing up their gear and start to head over to Zeke, with the others eventually catching them up.

Zeke was delighted to be given the necklace however he questioned the lack of Brannek. After being informed of Branneks death, he shared his unwelcome condolences with the party – who wholesomely did not give a fuck about it. Zeke shrugged and then explained that his preparations for providing a means for Mah’jeek to safely enter the Circle. He explained that Mah’jeeks is to pose as a Mage from the Circle of Dairsmuid in Rivain who has been granted leave to go to Ferelden for botanical research. Which he was happily doing until he the rest of the party requested his assistance. Zeke says if questioned he can present some faked Circle documents and explain that the rest of the paperwork has been filed with the Chantry in Denerim. Zeke also gave Mah’jeek some Rivaini Circle robes. As an additional gesture of good will he gave the party a lyrium potion and a health potion.

The party wished their best and moved onward towards the Circle tower. They came upon a ravine with huge towering cliffs and a claustrophobically tight path. The ravine sheltered them from the weather. As they neared the end of the path, the party was blocked by a towering Templar warrior, who was suited and booted for ass whooping. The cliffs and ravine filled with Templars as they sprang from bushes and closed from behind brandishing their crossbows and swords while taking flanking positions. Mah’jeek shouted “ME HAVE PAPAS!” “LET MAH’JEEK WALK” “LOOK DOCHEWMUNTS”. Yeran pushing Mah’jeek aside strolled towards the lead Templar to try and show him the papers in a more elegant fashion. However the Templars could not be discouraging and persisted in pursuing an arrest of the party.

The party surrendered, and were lead forward, rudely, to an area with some carts. The Templars proceeded to remove all of their gear and threw it into one of the two carts. Mah’jeek did not resist, Boreas managed to successfully hide a dagger in his under armor. Yeran ill advisedly tried to hide his Morningstar somewhere between his butthole and his undergarments however this was noticed by the Templars, obviously, who then proceeded to use his Morningstar to beat him with costing him what felt like just over half his health. Finally Elodie was discovered trying to hide her shortsword but used the distraction to keep a single lockpick – the rest of her lockpick set was destroyed by the Templars in spite.

The party were then tied up in every way possible and bundled like spit-roast pigs into the second cart. They travelled with their faces covered with hoods before they eventually arrived at their destination. Their bonds were loosened enough to shuffle along and they found themselves being pushed down into chairs, then tied to them. Their hoods were removed and they saw a well armoured Templar woman staring back at them. The party sensed the presence of two other Templars standing behind them on guard. The room was stained with blood and had an array of torture implements along the walls along with other intimidating paraphernalia.

The lady Templar introduced herself as Sasha Redmontford, Knight Commander of the Order of Templars. She is after information concerning the Mages Collective and believes that the party can aid her in this endeavour. She knew the party had been involved with them recently. Sasha demanded they tell her EVERYTHING they knew in exchange for their lives.

Yeran felt a lightbulb above his head and came to the realisation that the girl he had bedded in the Free Marches which eventually led to his exile to Fereldan had a most uncanny resemblance to Sasha. Sasha was just the right age to be the mother of said strumpet and in his infinite wisdom decided that he would use this knowledge to attempt to blackmail his way to freedom. Sasha, wisely, followed this up by knocking him out with a punch to the face. Elodie then followed suit, and attempted to tell a story by song. Elodie holds out for 4 punches, timed to the beat, but was also knocked out for her troubles. Sasha tires of the partys uncooperative attitude and has the party thrown into a cell, while some heavy duty equipment is brought up.

Once everyone had finished their involuntary sleepy times, Yeran filled the party in on his shagging of Sasha’s daughter. It was decided that a plan was required, but also that more information was needed. Mah’jeek decided to pull Yeran’s hair to make him shout out like a little girl, in order to bring a guard in. This worked but the guard didn’t really give a shit and left.

The party then pretend to sleep, allowing Elodie to call out and try to seduce the guard with song and titties. What kind of guard would be stupid enough to fall for that? This one, apparently, the guard unlocked the door and reached in to collect his moistened prize. But was met with battle shouts and lunges. His reactions were quick, but not quick enough to shut the cell door before a fight ensued!

This fight was over very quickly as he was pummeled and stabbed by Boreas’ smuggled dagger and a few fistycuffs from Mah’jeek. Elodie managed to get a couple of chokeslams in too. Boreas covered the dying guards face in shit from the potty bucket with a nice fat turd a la Mah’jeek. They cut his throat, took his keys and moved on.

The party explored onwards, finding some boring rooms but also the storage room with all their gear! Hoorah! They also got their hands on some acid bombs, lesser lyrium potions and lesser health potions. Eventually the party entered what looked like the main entrance room with a grand door at one end. The two Templar scouts in the room engaged the party. Boreas cleaved the throat of one scout fairly quickly – pinning his draining corpse to the wall with his two handed sword. Yeran gets injured but is healed in time, meanwhile Elodie dribbles her healing potion down her top and doesn’t gain much benefit from it. Fortunately the second scout is turned into mincemeat shortly afterwards. Mah’jeek peers through the keyhole of the grand door to see many Templars on drill duty. The party decided that way is a big Nope.

The party then stumbled into the interrogation room, with Sasha and her two guards. Sasha repeated her demands and didn’t seem to give a shit about the dead guards outside her office. The party attempted to lie and also dob in the dwarf, Dwyllan, for his lyrium smuggling. Again, Sasha tired of their attempts at deception and in-cooperation and ordered her guards to kill the party while she continues to write what the party decided was sexy fanfiction.

The fight was bloody, the party fight close as a unit for the first time ever. They chipped away at the guards until one of them lay dead – this enraged Sasha, especially as Boreas intentionally spilled blood over Sasha’s reports/erotica. She got up and joined the fight, which rapidly turned against the party. Despite the party being more coordinated than ever Boreas goes down, but managed to muster some strength to get back up to tank the fight (Ed: Obviously divine intervention or something…). With health and mana looking dangerously low, we end this chapter.

Will the party prevail?
Will Yeran learn to shut his mouth?
Will the sexy fanfiction be saved?

To be continued…

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An Unexpected Journey - Part 4
Clusterfuck

26 Firstfall 27th Year of the Dragon Age continued…

The hapless group found themselves in a dire situation: Branneks face was a twisted expression of torment gradually turning from blue to purple as a Skeleton stranggled him. Boreas was equally close to death and shaking off effects of the Shades weakness spell, and the magi of the group were both running low on mana.

Fellowship of the Shits indeed.

But just as all seemed lost to the fade – and as if guided by the Maker himself – the group overcame their anxiety to flee and instead focused on kicking some ass as a collective.

The mobile members of the party positioned themselves to gain a tactical advantage, with Boreas putting himself between the Skeleton strangling Brannek and his squishy mage companions.

Yeran backed away while fumbling around his belt for his last Lyrium potion. Mah’Jeek joined him, and together they attacked from range. As the group wailed on the Skeleton the Shade began to circle.

The Skeleton charged at Boreas and knocked him to the damp ground.

Yeran necked the delicious nectar of the Lyrium potion and started casting Heal spells on Boreas, who was crawling away. Boreas then picked himself up and retaliated with a massive strike on the Skeleton. Mah’Jeek attempted to cast offensively, but failed quite miserably. Brannek eventually broke free, but was immediately weakened by the Shade.

All the while, arrows were flying past at regular intervals. Neither of the two Skeleton archers were particularly good shots. But the members of the group knew that just a single arrow to the knee could be enough to end an adventuring career, relegating them to manning the night watch of some dull town or dank farmstead. All members of the group that is except Mah’Jeek, who didn’t care much for the seemingly obscure and frivolous concerns held by his friends.

Now somewhat recovered from his sexy choke time with the Skeletons, Brannek pulled an awesome stunt out the bag and unleashed some pain of his own. Yeran attempted to hex the ghastly Shade, but fumbled the cast.

The Shade closed in on Boreas. Between it and the Skeleton, Boreas was surrounded. Like a stern badass Mah’Jeek roared at Boreas “Kite!” before launching one arcane lance after another, in tandem with Yeran.

After a brief nod of acknowledgement to Mah’Jeek, Boreas took the attention of the Shade and the Skeleton away from the others. The Shade meant business, and begans spanking Boreas slicing right through his usually awesome armour. Wary of Boreas’ waning health, Yeran ceased lancing the Shade, and concentrated on healing his favourite meat shield.

In one singularly focused maneuver, Brannek stunned the Fanged Skeleton: grabbing its skull, and pushing it down on to Boreas’ sword. Yeran and Mah’Jeek shared a silent, awkward look as Boreas stared down at the dwarf, nostrils flaring in shaking rage.

Mah’Jeek and Yeran adjusted their positioning and double teamed one of the ranged Skeletons with their mighty arcane lances. While the Shade separated and headed towards some new graves to summon reinforcements. Brannek stunted and unleashed a Spirit Bane arrow upon the Shade. To the great joy of the party, the Shade evaporated out of existence in a flash of magical energy.

Whatever it was that stuck in Boreas’ craw about Brannek’s death strike on the Skeleton, it was probably for the best. His enraged state conferred the benefit of relieving the remaining Skeleton of its head.

Boreas picked up the skull of his slain enemy, and with a booming voice yelled “BRAAANNEK!” The dwarf slowly turned in the direction of the fell voice, unaware that Boreas had hurled the skull directly at him with some force. With a cracking thud so bone chilling it made Yeran wince, the skull hit Brannek square in the face. The hero of the moment fell to the ground to the sound of Boreas’ laughter. While Mah’Jeek enjoyed his victory over the remaining Skeleton, Yeran rushed over to his fallen comrade and cast Heal with his last reserves of mana. The battle ended, our – somewhat less than faithful – companions returned to Lothering to rest up.

The party left at first light the next morning, having little choice but to return to the graveyard to complete their mission. As if graced by Lady Luck herself, their goal, the Handmaiden’s Necklace was found almost within an hour of arriving. Buoyed by this good fortune, the group decided to continue searching intrigued as to what other delights rested here.

After finding a little copper, two Skeletons rose up from their sodden graves. Dripping in putrefied mulch, and foul as the scourge itself. A fight ensued, quick compared to the previous day’s encounters, but no less bloody. After the battle, Mah’Jeek found a chunky sword. He examined it closely for a few minutes, his eyes caressing the colossal blade, before he snaps out of his trance like state and held out his arm saying:

“Boreas. You take. I no need”

Boreas’ eyes widened as they moved between the honourable mage and the giant ass sword. “Thank you, Mage” Boreas said, as he held his fist over his heart and bowed.

Yeran and his entourage continued “digging for treasure”, and the reward for their greediness was borne by freshly raised enraged Skeletons. Be it through fatigue, or arrogance, the party lost the focus they had held so far.

The battle did not go well. Yeran, too bloodthirsty to realise Boreas was in dire need, thought only of taking his Morningstar to a Skeleton’s head. When Boreas fell, the tide turned to favour the undead. Yeran healed Boreas, but it was too little too late, Boreas was out of this fight however his condition was stable. Yeran fell shortly after as the Skeletons beat down on him. He was shortly joined by Brannek.

Mah’Jeek was left alone to face the remaining Skeleton who had brought down his 3 comrades. He started running around the edge of the battlefield and fumbled a healing spell. He was running low on mana and had to make a difficult choice. Who to save? Yeran or Brannek? And would it matter if he in turn ended up falling to the Skeleton? Should he use his last bit of mana to use an offensive spell instead?

Mah’Jeek made his choice and healed Yeran and then used the last of his mana to cast Walking Bomb on the Skeleton. It was the right call as shortly afterwards the battle ended when the Skeleton exploded sending shards of bone everywhere.

But Brannek was gone.

Boreas, Mah’Jeek and Yeran stood over their friend. Lying on the wet mossy ground, Brannek was smiling and being rather jolly as he slowly stepped out of this plane of existence and entered the next. It couldn’t be any worse for him on the other side after all.

In the following days, while sat by many a roaring fire, and drinking many a pint of their fallen friend’s most prized ale, the three would often remark how good Brannek had been about all this.

And they comforted themselves with the knowledge that Brannek had died as he had lived.

Poorly.

But in the dreary, cold present the adventurers were broken. Spent and utterly fallible. They began a somber journey to return to Zeke and turn in the necklace.

During their journey back to Lothering the group heard a rustling in the bushes and as if sprung from the ground itself, out popped a tall, fair elf maiden.

There was a pause and nobody quite knew what was going on. But then Yeran decided that it’s not every day a cute elf comes along.

“Hail, fair maiden!” he exclaimed, bowing dramatically like some kind of flimsy Orlesian Aristocrat.

“These are my companions.” he continued. “The hulking goat over there is Mah’Jeek. He doesn’t say much, but he is honorable.”

“And the angry giant making his way in our direction is— hey!”

Boreas, as if reading Yeran’s mind, snatched the Handmaiden’s Necklace from Yeran’s small feminine hands.

Yeran then continued “That’s Boreas. He’s like a slab of beef. No brains, but knows how to take a pounding.”

Boreas snarled at this remark and raised his hand in a threatening manner. Yeran may or may not have peed his undergarments a little.

The elf looked around at the group of adventurers who were generally dishevelled looking and still covered in dried blood and sinew from their graveyard battles. “Hello…um… I’m Elodie…. Are you alright?”

Yeran explained that the group have had a rough day, and were heading back to Lothering to camp for the night.

Elodie explained that she had found herself completely lost and would welcome some company back to civilisation. Yeran suggested she camp with them that night. Elodie agreed, much to Yeran’s delight, who then attempted to make sleeping arrangements that benefited himself greatly.

This was met with awkward silence and stern looks in stereo. Feeling deflated, Yeran climbed into his tent and guzzled the fine wine Mah’Jeek had so kindly bought him back in Briarham.

The sun set and the moon rose. Not one of the adventurers slept well that night. The tide was against them, and their mortality felt as close and as real as ever.

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An Unexpected Journey - Part 3
Shit just got real yo!

26 Firstfall 27th Year of the Dragon Age

The Shits, now well rested, set off to start their latest assigned task – the acquiring of a certain piece of jewellery from a woman, a dead woman, a dead buried woman in a nearby cemetery. On their way they come across a lone guardsman standing watch by a small, injured criminal in a cage that hung two feet from the floor. Boreas realised the criminal was Brannek and fought the temptation to just keep walking but made the other party members aware. The group reluctantly paid all their money to keep the dwarf from his (probable) death sentence while recalling how much he owed each of them anyway. For his own pleasure and to secondarily teach Brannek a lesson, Mah’jeek used his rope to tie a harness around Brannek and kept him on a leash until they arrived at the graveyard, Brannek was just glad it wasn’t a collar.

The Shits arrived at the cemetery and could not find any clues as to the grave they were looking for by examining the old headstones where they were present. So they split up and start to dig up graves with the magically-inclined staying together. Once they had made some headway, Skeletons climbed out of each dug grave. Boreas obliterated his straight away. Brannek knocked the spear out of his enemy’s grasp but it gave zero fucks are fully decked the dwarf in response. Brannek dusted himself off and hid behind the hulking Boreas who came to his aid. Then the Skeleton ends up being more dangerous without the spear and strangles Brannek for awhile before getting beaten down by Boreas. Meanwhile Mah’jeek finally finishes off the Skeleton that was getting really confused by all the magic stuff it’s two enemies were throwing around.

Finding only a few coppers in loot and most importantly no magic necklace the squad returned to digging graves with the magic users being silly and picking an area with lots of graves around it. This time 6 Skeletons and a large mass of shadow, a Shade, came up to join the grave robbing party and the shit hit the fan (and some of the Shits hit the floor).

Boreas headed for the Shade and made one of the most impressive looking attacks he had that day, slicing a great gash through the apparition. He could only watch on in horror as the gash sealed up before his eyes. The Shade then cast Weakness on Boreas which left him with only enough strength to stumble a few steps at a time finding the weight of his armor just too much. Mah’jeek however was absolutely petrified of the Shade and spent the entire battle avoiding it.

Not too soon after the fight had begun Brannek found himself being strangled again, this time by a Skeleton that had been Walking Bombed by Mah’jeek which caused the dwarf a lot of concern. The little dwarf broke free but the Skeleton was not stopped so easily and at the first opportunity started strangling Brannek again. Meanwhile Dog ended up getting strangled and was killed before anyone could get over to help… RIP Dog you yappy little thing. Then Mah’jeek got to execute his plan with his pet Falcon’t by casting Walking Bomb on it and then instructing it to fly down between lots of enemies and using it as a suicide bomber. Except the plan only ended up hitting one Skeleton for a little bit of damage with Falcon’t becoming a shower of giblets, so RIP Falcon’t too.

Then Mah’jeek killed another Skeleton with a Walking Bomb which was the Skeleton still strangling Brannek. Just as Brannek had realised what had happened and was able to get a lung full of air it gets worse as yet another Skeleton started to strangle him. Then Mah’jeek killed another Skeleton, while Brannek repeatedly attempted to break free of the strangle hold he found himself in, eventually succeeding. Unfortunately Boreas then found the Skeleton trying to strangle him instead but immediately was able to break free.

Yeran had spent the entire fight trying to keep out of danger while keeping the party well healed, but he was not sure how much longer he could keep it up as his mana reserves were running low. The party had nearly consumed all of their potions as well.

Mah’jeek and Boreas (re)killed another Skeleton each while Brannek found himself getting strangled yet again. The party should probably ask him if he has a particular fetish for that.

The fight looked like it was nearing its conclusion only a single Skeleton and the Shade left. However the Shade moved off to another area of the graveyard and unleashed magical energy. The party looked on in terror as a fresh horde of skeletons rose from the graves near the Shade.

Was this the end?…

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An Unexpected Journey - Part 2
The return of Sigge!

24 Firstfall 27th Year of the Dragon Age

As the party headed from the Chantry Brannek continued to survey his surroundings in search of potential loot. He weighed up the potential profit from staying in Lothering versus going with the rest of the party to the middle of no where. Brannek’s eyes gleamed as he ran into Lothering hoping to find some coin and other loot. The rest of the party seized their chance to be rid of him for the time being and ran off, stopping for a breather in the forestry outside of town.

As Mah’jeek caught his breath, he felt a hand caressing his buttocks. His eyes widened and he looked to where the hand was coming from, only to find Boreas to be the only person in that direction. Mah’jeek was stunned and flustered, but Boreas didn’t have a clue what he was getting so worked up about. After a very awkward pause, the pair heard a cackling coming from the shrubs behind them. Boreas and Mah’jeek approached cautiously and thrust their hands into the bush. They pulled Sigge out of the shrubbery, flailing with laughter, though Boreas and Mah’jeek didn’t share her amusement.

Mah’jeek introduced the leader of The Shits to their latest companion, Yeran, who she took a liking to, noticing his certain… manliness. After catching up with the party as to where they are headed she offers to accompany them and aid them in delivering the package.

The party follows the rough directions given by Zeke but find the track to be hard to follow. Boreas in particular had to be stopped from wandering off in the wrong direction several times.

Eventually, they found a stone circle but are unable to figure out which one was the bear stone that Zeke indicated was the location of the drop. They search around the various stones, one of which Boreas bangs his head on after critically failing to mind his head when getting up and giving himself a minor concussion. However, this knocks some sense into him as he finds a note hidden inside a wooden bucket behind the next stone he searches. The writer of the note warns travellers of Blight Wolves that prowl the surrounding area. The writer also requested that they bring any package intended for him directly too him, as he is too scared of the wolves. The group see his tracks, but Boreas convinces the others to spend the night back in town, as he too is scared of the wolves, who almost killed him before.

The Shits return to Lothering and rest up. The following morning they returned to Zeke and showed him the note found in the bucket. He informs them that the writer is a fellow member of The Mages Collective by the name of Marruk, and that the package that he had given them was intended for him. The party then returned to the stone circle and followed the tracks seen the night before. Zeke’s directions were incredibly vague, as he merely told them to head east with a shrug. Sigge therefore took the initiative to guide her Shits.

They soon come across a grove which, while beautiful with the God rays shining through gaps in the leaves on the trees, was also infested with rats, and not the small type that some may find adorable, mind you. These were big rats. Like, waist-high ‘able-to-rip-your-face-off’ rats. Surprised at their extraordinary size, the group hesitated, allowing the rats to get the jump on them, initiating a battle. Thankfully the rats were not able to do much damage, but the mages having no armour were susceptible to a series of biting attacks, as was Dog. Yeran cast Heroic Offense on Boreas, giving him a strength buff until the end of the encounter. Falcon’t also flew in to aid The Shits.

The rats were soon beaten, especially with Dog’s amazing stunting towards the end, and the few remaining rats ran away, scared of Dog’s ferocity. Sigge lead the party onward and they soon coming across a hovel built into the side of a small hill. They heard a faint humming coming from inside. There was a door of sorts, which they opened to find a messy room littered with papers, empty bottles and general clutter. In the corner, they saw an old elf, who introduced himself as Marruk a Mage and writer of the bucket message.

Marruk was delighted by the package, which contained potion-making materials and supplies. However, in his attempt to thank them, the group found that he had a speech impediment, speaking worse than Mah’jeek.

Suddenly, a Blight Wolf burst through the thin, earthy wall and everybody heard the growling of two others lying in wait outside the open door. Dog tried to attack, but monumentally failed therefore inspired by the wolf who had burst through the wall, he attempted to do the same. However he only manages to crash into the wall and hurt his head. The wolves attacked Mah’jeek, almost killing him, so Boreas blocked the doorway and defended his allies, overcoming his fear of the wolves. Sigge, meanwhile attacked from afar with her bow. The wolf who had burst through the wall almost killed Marruk, who had taken to crouching in the corner of the room, but Yeran heals him.

Boreas killed one of the wolves, cutting off its head and spraying the blood over both himself and the other wolf attacking the doorway in an attempt to deplete its morale. He then gave a mighty war cry to intimidate the already demoralised wolf. Yeran was kept busy as Marruk kept getting mauled by the wolf inside the hovel. Boreas turned his attention to the remaining wolf at the doorway, felled it, and then, as a joke, threw the blood-dripping corpse into Mah’jeek, because why not?

Sigge rushed inside to help with the wolf that was attacking Marruk, while Mah’jeek, showed his great prioritisation skills by getting his revenge on Boreas and attempting to Mind Blast him. However, the spell only succeeding in knocking him prone, Boreas puts his success down to his awesome armour which has kept him from taking any real damage thus far. Sigge then made the finishing blow on the wolf in the hovel, impaling it to a wall with an arrow.

Marruk thanked the Shits as best as he was able to and sent them on their way back to Zeke. the party stopped to clean themselves off in a river on their return to Lothering. Upon their arrival at the Chantry they informed Zeke of their success. As a reward, he gave the group a lesser healing potion, which Yeran took.

Zeke then gave The Shits another job, to purchase some Lyrium from Dwyllan in Falldale. This time, Zeke gave the party adequate directions and handed them a pouch of coins. Outside, the group opened the pouch and thanked the gods that Brannek wasn’t with them, for inside they found 30 gold. They discussed the possibility of sharing it between them, but (much to the disappointment of Sigge) gave up on the idea after considering the consequences that may be dealt by both Zeke, a powerful man in both the Templar Order and The Mages Collective, and also what their employer Grigor, the mysterious man who they knew so little about, would do to them if they didn’t complete their mission.

They reached Falldale and found that it was simply a farmhouse. They knocked on the door and heard the sound of many locks and bolts being unlocked. An old dwarf with a scruffy grey beard and a balding head, but also similar distinguishing features as Sigge (ed: because apparently shifty dwarfs all look the same in the eyes of this GM!), opened the door. The group asked him for some Lyrium as requested by Zeke. The dwarf handed over a pouch, but Sigge (being ex-Carta herself and knowledgeable in the Lyrium trade) informed them that the pouch they were given was only worth about 15 gold.

Annoyed, the group turned to the dwarf and Yeran attempted to sweet talk Dwyllan into giving them the correct amount for the gold that they had, but failed. Boreas then tried to intimidate him, but also failed. Yeran then tried to offer 15 gold for 15 gold’s worth of Lyrium, but failed to overcome the dwarfs greed.

Dwyllan growing tired of all this offered to have a game of dice. If he won, the group would have to stick with his terms and pay 30 gold for 15 gold’s worth of Lyrium, but if The Shits won, then they could have a fair trade of up to 30 gold for 30 gold’s worth of Lyrium. The party accepted his offer and nominated Mah’jeek to represent their group, fuck knows why. Even so, he somehow wons with four fives on his die collectively. Dwyllan reluctantly handed over all the Lyrium.

The Shits then returned to Zeke who was surprised at how they were able to get a fair trade. He also informed them that his plans for providing the group with a means to get Mah’jeek into the Circle without raising suspicion were on track, but they would need to do one more job for him. This one would involve grave robbing at a haunted graveyard. He asked them to find The Handmaiden’s Necklace, a magical amulet that was buried with Meredith Kutcher. The Shits decided to rest up before heading out the next day.

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An Unexpected Journey - Part 1
The party have a fun start to their journey to the Circle Tower

9 Firstfall 27th Year of the Dragon Age

The party, spent a few days recovering (drinking) in Briarham, waiting for Grigor to arrive and give them their next job. Branneks misdeeds in the previous adventure were forgiven for the most part, at least superficially.

After returning from a walk they enter The Mabaris Bite, Briarhams lively pub, where they found Grigor surrounded by enough beer and food to satiate a horde of dwarves. Grigor hailed the shits, and asked that they share his feast in exchange for him turning their ears for a brief moment. He paused, wary of the unfamiliar face in the party. Brannek then introduced himself, badly, to the eye rolls of Mah’jeek and Boreas.

Grigor explained that he is trying to track down the elf messenger mentioned in Davrik’s journal. Mah’jeek and Boreas], informed Grigor that they had already met the elf, Eladril, and shared the message they persuaded from him as well as providing a description to aid Grigor in tracking him down. Grigor, now understanding the situation a little better, hailed another elf, Yeran, who introduced himself to the party (competently, unlike Brannek). Grigor explains that he has hired Yeran from the Circle, primarily to translate the Ancient Tevene writings in Davrik’s journal but also to aid the party in their next quest.

The Quest
Investigate the group of blood mages and their associated studies and research. Travel to the Circle Tower on Lake Calenhad and ask questions Davrik and his studies. Look into any records they have about Davrik and Gianna and learn anything they can about them and their magical specialisms. The mercenaries were given 6 weeks to complete their research before Grigor would arrive to meet them at the tower expecting to be briefed on their discoveries.

The Reward
60 silver each

The band accepted the quest and Yeran joined them. Grigor gave them directions to the Circle Tower, as Yeran was not paying attention on his journey outward. Prior to leaving Grigor added an additional condition, he expects no violence or trouble to be caused by the mercenaries, while at the Circle, otherwise he will ‘handle’ the mercenaries.

Boreas then set off to see Brevin about the armor he had ordered. While selling his old armor to the blacksmith he is offered an extra silver for a small task. Brevin asked Boreas to piss on the door of the shop opposite, the closed supply store. Boreas, gladly accepting headed, over to the shop and whacked out his mighty wang, his fearsome phallus, or as it will now be known, his teeny twanger.

Before Boreas could release his bladder, the door opened and the Elven owner, Rylock, appeared. Boreas dumbfounded by the sudden appearance of the elf could only mutter something about the cold morning while Brevin howled with laughter from the over side of the market square. This drew Mah’jeek and Yeran out of the inn and into Rylock’s shop. Brushing past the disheveled Boreas to browse the wares.

Yeran struck up a conversation with Rylock, inquiring as to how an elf managed to find himself owning a shop. Mah’jeek and Yeran buy some goods, including some fine wine, he then pulled them aside and asked a favour of them. In exchange for some very fine ornate daggers, a matching pair, he asked that they put a mysterious vial near the fireplace of the blacksmith at night so that when it was lit in the morning it would ‘surprise’ Brevin. This would require breaking and entering, and avoiding the guard, Valron.

Yeran and Mah’jeek share this news with the other members of the group, and the ever greedy Brannek offered his sneaky skills to get the task done, and get the task done he did. Come nightfall, Brannek picked the lock at the back of the shop and made his way to the forge without so much as a murmur, perfectly placing the vial undetected. The next morning was accompanied by a large bang, and the shattering of glass and door hinges and an incredibly itchy blacksmith and guard fled the shop which was billowing yellow smoke. They swore death on whoever caused them such humiliation!

Rylock kept his word, and the daggers are handed to Brannek, granting him extra style in combat. The daggers have a strange language written on them, Mah’jeek initially believed it to be elvish, however Brannek, well known as a learned scholar, convincingly steps in. Brannek bullshited more than an Angus after a wild night on the fields and explains the meaning to the party; the text on the black blade reads “The dark extinguishes the light” and the white blade reads “All light is an illusion”. Filled with self doubt, Mah’jeek shrugs and move on.

A day late, the party set off on their quest with Yeran navigating. The party opted for a route that stopped at inns etc, although expensive it will mean they are well rested for all legs of the journey. They estimate that route will take 4 weeks and a day to travel in total, however life is rarely as simple as that.

Literally 30 mins into their journey, a random distressed pedestrian burdens the goodwill of the mercenaries. He frantically explains that his friend has been dined on by wolves and needs healing urgently. Reluctantly, our adventurers ran over and found a man lying in the road, they approached and suddenly the staff of the fallen stranger lit up, firing a column of flame into everyone except Dog, who avoided the blast by chasing his tail, as per usual.

A battle ensued, 3 vs 5, the stranger who was supposedly dying was actually a trained bandit mage, while a rogue and a warrior jump out from bushes behind the party and begin to attack. As the battle continued Boreas found himself maneuvered into an area where the bandits had set a rock trap in the bushes and was injured, but not seriously.

Dog, hungry for human flesh pulled off a stunt to fill his stomach and then chased his tail to burn off the calories.

The first casualty of battle, the bandit mage, has his head caved in by Boreas after a seriously brutal set of stunty stabaroos. In his bloodlust, Boreas turned to the bandit rogue, stabbed him in the face and cut him straight down the middle Mortal Kombat style.

Inspired by Boreas, and needing to fill his second stomach, Dog bounded at the bandit warrior. He jumped at her hoping to rip off her testes, but found no h’orderves. In a fit of biological crisis Dog turned to the next plumpest thing around and dined on her lady parts and breasticles. Dog is not one to discriminate and finds all genders equally delectable. Dog then went to town on her face leaving it looking like something out of a shitty zombie b movie.

With the would-be assailants dead and/or devoured, our party bagged some loot. A total of 9 silver (woo!) and a note, which requests the death of the party and signed by Ser Blaker Corbyn, who in retrospect the party decides should not have been allowed to live!

Boreas decided to be discreet with the corpses and strings the body of the warrior up in the trees. Mah’jeek desiring to join in the fun dragged the body of the rogue into a bush, setting off another rock trap, knocking himself out and beginning the process of slowly internally bleeding to death. Thankfully Yeran saves Mah’jeek, who then continues as if nothing had happened and positioned the body in a thoughtful Hamlet position with the corpse’s skull in its hand, with the aide of branches of the bush.

The mercenaries continue on their journey and during this time Yeran deciphers the message from Eladril (see previous log). The message is essentially a threat from some guy called ‘F’. It states Davrik has had too much money with too few results despite having a promising project. It also explicitly mentions Gianna.

The mercenaries come to the village of Rillenhall. The village had a lively market, which is currently stocking animals and pet supplies. Brannek noticed that lots of people were staring at Mah’jeek and also lots of lootable purses hanging from the onlookers waist belts. He asked Yeran to create a distraction with Mah’jeek to draw attention away from him so that he could steal some money, Yeran refused, feeling some loyalty to Mah’jeek since the wine was a gift. Brannek however perseveres and asks Boreas, who doesn’t give a fuck, and agreed to help. Boreas used his newly trained command with Dog to get him to attack Mah’jeek causing quite a lot of commotion and drawing the attention of many in the market. Brannek manages to steal 18 silver in total while Dog and Mah’jeek fought. Dog caused a lot more damage than the wildly flailing Mah’jeek, who even drew his Morningstar, and was still less effective than a wet flannel.

On his last pickpocket attempt, Brannek was caught. He decided it best to throw the guy who caught him into the fight between Mah’jeek and Dog and then just slip off unnoticed. This works, and as the commotion dies down, the party regroup in a tavern and Brannek buys a round.

Mah’jeek purchased a Falcon, whom he names Falcon’t. Boreas kindly offered to train Falcon’t to attack under Mah’jeek’s command.

Following Sigge’s advice from a messenger pigeon, they meet another member of the Shits at the local pub. Naswe introduced herself and both parties talked about their current work. Naswe learned about the trip to the Circle Tower and explained how hard it might be to get in, or more accurately, out. She informs the party that there is a secret society of Mages and Templars called The Mages Collective and explained how and where to find a contact, Zeke.

Naswe gave Mah’jeek her Ring of Spellpower and said that it will show Zeke that they are a friend of the collective. After some drinking, chatting and resting, the party continued on their journey to the tower.

After another week of travel the mercs arrived at Lothering and rested at the inn. With full stomachs, they entered the Chantry, wherein they spoke to a young priestess who pointed them in the direction of Zeke in the southern cluster. After a rude introduction, Zeke showed the mercenaries into a quieter room and reintroduced himself, he does after all have to keep a proper image up to the public!

Zeke offered to help with the challenge of getting Mah’jeek in and back out of the tower. In light of the level of challenge presented, with getting not only an apostate in, but a Qunari apsotate at that, he requests that the party complete a few jobs for him in return. The first job is a simple dead drop, which seemed easy enough and the party get going on their way. Brannek can’t help himself as usual and took a peek at the contents of the delivery, the package is mostly potion making materials and nothing of massive interest. As they left the Chantry, they noticed that one of the Templars standing guard outside was missing… Ooo Spooky…

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An Arl's Request - Part 2
The party splits due to a philosophical difference...

3 Firstfall 27th Year of the Dragon Age

After their encounter with the Blight Owls the party continued through the forest for an hour. The light began to fail, and so Mah’jeek bound a torch to his staff, while Alenka and Boreas fumbled around in their respective backpacks for lanterns.

They pressed ahead, already an hour late for their rendezvous with Ser Bridget, Ser Blaker and the little turds (Joseph and Hana). Off in the distance a faint glow could be seen. As the group drew closer to the source, they realised a camp had been established…and saw something ominous. A wagon laid on its side, with its contents strewn across the muddy ground.

Boreas started to pilfer the site of the attack, and found a locked strongbox. Off in the distance shrill cries suddenly carried through the still air.

Mah’Jeek, Alenka and Brannek all rushed off in the direction of the panicked voices, while Boreas stood slack jawed and distracted; practically drooling over his fortuitous find.

As three quarters of the group scrambled to negotiate the gorge before them, a group of Darkspawn advanced up the hill leading towards the camp where the Arl’s children cowered along with their protectors – Ser Bridget and Ser Blaker. Their defenders took up positions in the derelict building at the hill’s top.

Mah’Jeek made it over the chasm with ease and fired at the Hurlock leading the group of Darkspawn. Alenka however, stumbled and gashed her head, before scrambling up the embankment to join Mah’Jeek. They spotted two Blight Wolves bearing down on the childrens location.

While Brannek rushed across the gorge and tried to catch up with Alenka and Mah’Jeek, Dog happily chased his tail.

Fearing a repeat of previous encounters with giant ass chasms, Boreas opted for the safer approach and headed down the hill, toward the area where the gorge was at its narrowest.

Before anyone can reach her, the wolves attacked Hana, knocking her affluent buns prone. Ser Bridget and Joseph came to her aid, putting themselves between the wolves and Hana.

Ser Bridget charged at the first wolf with great fury, while Joseph – focusing on the second – chickened out somewhat, swinging at the Wolf but hardly hurting it.

Boreas finally made it over the gorge as Hana crawled back to Ser Blaker, who was positioned on the inside wall of the ruin.

Dog was still preoccupied with his tail. Oodles of fun.

A fight ensued between Brannek and the Hurlock. After a quick heal to Brannek, Mah’Jeek stepped up and bombed the shit out of the Hurlock, before Ser Blaker let fly a deadly arrow. It struck the Hurlock in the back of head, and the resulting exit wound sprayed Brannek with Darkspawn blood, cartilage and brain tissue.

At about the same time young Joseph manned up and – with a furious yell – kicked the Wolf in the face, before thrusting his dagger through its eye in a surprisingly graceful movement.

Dog loves his life. Chasing his tail and licking his balls.

Boreas struggled up the steep hill at first, but – spurred by the battle cries of his comrades – rallied and stormed up the final 100 yards. As if being repelled by his mere presence, Brannek chose to leave the fray and hightail it back over the gorge (‘cos he’s a pussy). Some may say that discretion is the better part of valor…

The divines clearly found issue with Branneks retreat, as on arrival at the edge of the wood, Dog finally decided to leave his tail be and took a piss over Brannek’s cowardly shanks.

In a stark contrast to Brannek’s very rogue approach to the fight, Joseph straddled the second wolf, reached down and grabbed it’s legs, pulling them backwards and outward, bursting the wolf’s heart.

Ser Bridget engaged in some questionably timed group hugging with the children, while Ser Blaker had seven shades of shit kicked out of him by a lone Genlock wielding a battleaxe.

Alenka, Mah’jeek and Boreas take their sweet time trying to kill the remaining Genlocks.

The party debated later on the matter and Mah’jeek tried to argue that this was due to the insane abilities that the Genlocks possessed. But Boreas and the rest of the crew knew it was mainly due to a combination of their sub par skills at the time, and Brannek the Moist’s (as he became known from that fateful day) premature departure.

Ser Blaker eventually finished off the lone Genlock, but was badly injured.

Alenka pulled off some pretty noobish maneuvers, and a handed some potions to the wounded before Ser Bridget finally decided to stop playing matron and returned to the fight drawing both Genlocks attention from the faltering trio.

Boreas flipped off the Genlocks like a cool badass as they fell – one in quick succession of the other – to the ground.

Finally with the battle ended the party and their allies could take a few moments to recover. It had only been a few minutes but it had felt like hours! Alenka and Ser Blaker discussed the outcomes of Alenka’s discussions with the party about ransoming the children and they decided to make their move.

An argument broke out between Ser Bridget and Alenka and Ser Blaker with the party reluctant to pick sides. Ser Bridget placed herself between the would-be ransomers and the children drawing her sword and saying ‘Over my dead body will you kidnap these children.’

A fight broke out – Alenka, Ser Blaker and Brannek versus Ser Bridget and eventually Boreas and Mah’jeek joined her side. Ser Blaker was knocked out and Alenka was slain by Mah’jeek – causing Brannek to surrender.

Ser Bridget then led the party back to Stenhold and Arl Neruda with Ser Blaker and Brannek in shackles. Brannek pleaded with the rest of the party to be freed, whining how he was sorry and wouldn’t do such a thing again and the fools believed him! They set him loose and arranged to meet up again in Briarham.

When they returned to the Arl he paid them their wages and not a silver more, throwing Ser Blaker into his dungeons.

The party returned to Briarham meeting up with Brannek and then awaited Grigors return. Boreas O Frosthold took the opportunity to visit Brevin the blacksmith and order some new armor to be made.

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